jwaneeta

When life doesn't answer my most meagre hopes, I make up conversations in my head. It's been a coping mechanism since I was wee. Sorry.

Barbara Walters: Mr. President, thank you for your thoughts about the relative merits of dogs and cats. Sir, what about the war in Iraq? Mr. President, sir. The fact that no weapons of mass destruction ever existed. Mr. President, was it worth it?

President Bush: Sure it was... we got rid of an evil dictator. Sure it was worth it. The world's a safer place.

Barbara Walters: But Mr. President... we attacked another country with the full strength of war, utterly unprovoked, based on the claim that weapons of mass destruction were being harbored, with intent to deploy.

President Bush: Barbara, the intelligence was faulty. We had no way to know that, no way to be sure. You can't be sure about these things, it's not like some rocket-science-moon-man equation.

Barbara Walters: But Mr. President, you said you were sure. You vowed before the American people, and the world community, that you were sure.

President Bush: The family is the bedrock of America.

Barbara Walters: You said the evidence was irrefutable, and launched an unprovoked attack and started a war -- a war that is still being fought -- on this evidence. This evidence was the only motive, according to you, for declaring war on Iraq.

President Bush: Barbara, Social Security's going broke. You'll be on a breadline with your walker next week if I don't play to your selfish phobias and divert your attention from questions of world peace.

Barbara Walters: Mr. President, a clear paper trail shows that you knew Iraq had no weapons of mass destruction before the invasion, yet you went ahead. Some say, charitably, that you wanted to ride the bounce from 911 to rid America of an oil foe, in the spirit of "it's an ill wind that doesn't blow some good." But don't you feel the tiniest bit sorry for starting a war on the basis of a lie?

President Bush: It's hard to be the man in charge, Barbara, but I have really good people. And they work really hard. Really hard.

Barbara Walters: Mr. President, do you fear God? Or hell? Do the faces of servicemen and women, dying for a lie, haunt your nights? Do you see the shattered bodies of Iraqi civilians? Do you have anything human within you? Do you speak English? Is this thing on?

President Bush: Barbara, I firmly believe that within every American citizen there is a creeping fear to be exploited, whether it be 911, gay sex, Social Security or what have you. And these fears can blind them and make them dumb as rope -- you can feed people anything as long as you can convince them they're looking out for number one. That's what makes America great, and I thank God I'm in a position to bring liberty to the world, as God intended. Let freedom ring. Let there be light. By God. God's my homeboy. God, God, God. In conclusion: God.

Barbara Walters: Because I'm no fool, I kiss your ass for this interview, Mr. President. Thank you for our exponentially-increasing subjugation as members of the post-democracy, and for the tide of war that is rising over the face of the world.

President Bush: I never talk to my daddy. But I'm better'n him! I showed 'em all! *weeps*

Barbara Walters: There, sir. (aside) Cut!